Hometown News

For those of you not in the know, La Crosse is a picturesque river town, with a dark, sordid secret. And now it seems the FBI is interested. You see, for the past nine years or so, a killer has been stalking the streets, preying on young men, luring them to their deaths. Oh wait, that's what the conspiracy theorists would have you believe. In actuality, La Crosse's bar district is a mere 3 blocks from the river. So what happens about once a year? Some kid gets completely smashed off his gourd, thinks he's walking home, gets in the park, and goes swimming. In any case, alcohol and the river do not mix, and about eight people have died.

Hell, it's made the New York Times. The mayor wants motion activated lights in the park, or a barrier to prevent people from falling in. I say the put a large flashing neon sign that says "NOT THIS WAY!!" The fact is, La Crosse is a college town (three major schools), with a hard partying reputation. Drink specials are rampant, and extremely cheap, usually around $5 for all you can drink on Thursday nights. Take college kids, mix with alcohol, serve on ice, and what do you get? Stupid people.

Anyways, maybe it's just Darwin thinning the herd. Or maybe the river thrives on college students.